Carpe Diem, Baby
by Austin Blake
Summary: Angel wonders about his son Connor's future, and in doing so finally finds the girl that can mend his heart.


DISCLAIMER: I own all. Unless I don't. In which case, I steal...er, borrow.  
  
DEDICATION: To all B/A shippers out there. Keep the faith.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I am not defecting from Buffy/Angel. I just think Amy Acker's just adorable as our beloved and slightly crazed physics master, Fred. C'mon, admit it. They make a cute couple.  
  
  
  
  
  
CARPE DIEM, BABY  
  
I look down at my son and wonder just what kind of life he'll have. My son. A few years ago, those words would have been absent from my vocabulary. I had no hope of ever having some sort of legacy, nor had I thought about what I'd leave behind. I assumed I'd do my work, and whether I failed or succeeded, I'd be willingly forgotten. Not many people like the fact that their savior, their champion of right is a demon whose sole means of survival is drinking blood.  
  
But this child does.  
  
He cries, and it's all I can do to calm him down. My face changes, contorts into that of the monster feared by so many, mortal and demon alike, a visage that has terrified countless souls in the dark recesses of the night and has haunted them in their dreams, tormenting them much to my soulless delight. But this baby, my son, just looks up at the feral amber of his father's eyes, the overhanging brow of a fiend possessing evil beyond comprehension, the fangs that dared to tear and ravage the flesh of so many innocents...he gazes upon these and giggles.  
  
I smile a very toothy grin at the wriggling babe in my hands, wondering what I could have ever done to deserve such a blessing. Thoughts wander, and I think to the prophecy of my Shanshu. Could this be in some way a stepping stone? Some hint by The Powers That Be that I'm on the right path? Maybe a gift to tell me to keep up the good work. Whatever the reason, I thank them wholeheartedly for the tiny miracle in my arms. And a miracle is what he is. His birth was unexpected by even his mother, and she sacrificed herself so that he would live.  
  
The only good thing Darla and I ever did together, God rest her soul. I can only pray that she has found the peace that her mortal lives and vampire lives alike denied her.  
  
My son needs his mother. There's so many things I can't give him, can't do for him, and I'm not talking about walking with him in the sunlight. If my son needed water, I'd walk the Sahara desert in the middle of summer at high noon to find an oasis to quench his thirst. But there's so many questions I can't answer, things I can't do for him. With all my good looks and gentle heart, my tortured soul and battle techniques, I still don't have that woman's touch. He has a strong female presence here in Cordelia and Fred. But Cordelia is Vision Girl, and as much as she'd like to be, she can't be there for little Connor anymore than I can. We have the kind of job that leaves you on call twenty-four hours a day, because demons and dark factions and Apocalypses can strike at any time. Time is one of the things you have to forgo when you have such a responsibility, even if you have an eternity of it.  
  
"That baby needs some rest too, you know."  
  
I smile slightly at Fred and that delightfully soft voice, grinning inwardly at that adorable Southern drawl of hers. My face shifts back into the handsome human mask that gave me my name, and I look back at her. "I know. I play with him too much."  
  
Fred takes a seat beside me, lightly stroking the baby's head with her fingertips. I can tell she's nervous, because her hands are trembling and I can feel her heart race in her chest. "I can see why you'd want to spend so much time with him," she says. "He's a cutie."  
  
I can't seem to stop smiling when I'm around her or my son, and it's impossible to when both of them are around me. I look down at Connor, then back up at her. "He has Darla's eyes. Kind of a sky blue."  
  
Fred shifts nervously in her chair, slowly pulling her hand back. "C-Can I hold him?" she asks. I smile and nod, carefully placing the baby into her waiting arms. She gauges his weight a little bit, and I can tell he's heavier than she expected, but her arms hold in firm support. "I can watch him tomorrow," she says after a moment, "you know, when you go out to save the world again. I just slow you up anyway."  
  
I scoffed at her insecurity. "Nonsense." I saw her face fall as I said that word, as if she was hoping I'd let her stay. She obviously wanted to spend time with the baby. I smile faintly. "You sure?" I ask, turning in my chair to better survey her, "it's a lot of responsibility."  
  
She just nods her head, not looking at me as she hands Connor back to me. I take him in my arms, gently setting him back in his crib and tucking him in. A few quiet moments pass by, a little awkwardly. There's some tension, but I don't know from what. We just sit there, looking at the sleeping baby in complete silence until Fred speaks up.  
  
"You really love him, don't you?"  
  
I smile slightly, not looking at her, almost bashfully. "Yeah. I do." She nods, seemingly satisfied by this answer. I smile a bit wider. "Guess I have everything now."  
  
"Hmm?" Fred lifts her head, finally looking at me. I tilt my head towards her, our eyes catching one another's.   
  
"You told me once that I had everything but love. You said it was like something out of Fitzgerald, I believe."  
  
Fred's eyes lit up with happiness, though her expression was one of amazement. "Y-You remember that?"  
  
I nodded. "I remember all kinds of tidbits about you, Fred."  
  
She lowered her head, and I could tell she remembered that day too. It was the day she was told about my curse, about my being unable to have pure happiness without reverting back to Angelus. It was also the day she was told that I was fond of her, but my feelings didn't go further than that. But she wasn't told by me. Cordy had to relay the message. I knew I'd screw that speech up because I'm terrible at lying to people I care about. That's why I never told Buffy I didn't love her.  
  
Fred sniffs a bit, and I can tell she's on the verge of tears. My hand finds it's way onto her cheek, caressing it softly. "Fred, sweetheart...what's the matter?"  
  
She broke out into loud sobs, wanting to hide her tears in her hands, but instead she turned and wound her arms around my waist, her petite form crumbling onto mine as she clutched me. Her hold was so tight, you would have thought that I was some sort of lifeline for her, and she was trying desperately not to be ripped away. She cried into my shoulders, muffled words escaping her weeping.  
  
"...doesn't mean anything...just a term...doesn't mean anything..."  
  
I lifted her up, brushing away the tears from her eyes with my thumb. "What doesn't mean anything, Fred?"  
  
She looked at me meekly, like some little girl who had her dreams invaded by a devilish nightmare. "You called me...sweetheart...but I know it's just something you say...it doesn't mean I'm special or..." Her words drifted back into her tears, her small body shaking against mine as she cried.   
  
I held her in my arms, as close to me as if I hadn't seen her in months. She welcomed the action, accepted it, and rested in my embrace. "Of course it does, Fred...you are special to me." That's all I managed to say. And then it happened.  
  
I kissed her softly, so very softly, tasting her warmth and the saltiness of tears and her own tender flesh that so fully filled those lips. I don't know why I did it. I don't know what made me do it. I just felt so much for this girl, and I hadn't felt my heart clinch so much at the sight of someone's pain than when it came to Fred. I also never felt my heart swell so much at the sight of someone's smile than when I saw Fred's. No, I have. Once. But those days were gone.  
  
As surprised as she was, she kissed me back. It was an innocent kiss, but it held so much emotion for the both of us, it overwhelmed us. It wasn't total contentment, but it was damned close. We kissed each other again, and once more before she realized that she was in my lap, and I was cradling her. She pushed her glasses up on her nose, knowing that we couldn't go any further with crossing the uncrossable line. Still, she was positively glowing, a bright red blush filling her cheeks as thin brown strands of hair that had escaped her ponytail alighted on them. I helped her to her feet and we both started for the door. I clicked the light off, making sure Connor's nightlight was on and that all was serene in the room.  
  
As we exited, we began to take opposite paths to our rooms. A few feet down the hall and I found myself with the compulsion to stop. I did, slowly turning around. Fred had done the same. We stared at each other for a few moments, silent as we tried to read what the other was thinking or feeling. I started to speak just as she did, and both declarations came out simultaneously.  
  
"I love you."  
  
We beamed at each other for a few moments, then gradually started back for our rooms. I entered mine, closing the door behind me after hearing Fred close hers. I walked over to my bed and sat down on the mattress, thinking. Suddenly, my door opened, Fred stepping in quickly and quietly as if she were sneaking into a college boy's dormitory. I looked up at her, and she looked down at me. She walked over to me and gave me a kiss on the lips, her hand rising to my cheek. I felt her fingertips tremble against my skin and I sensed her heart pounding in her chest.  
  
"You're so...cool..." Fred whispered as she pulled away, leaning her forehead against mine. "Your skin, I mean..."  
  
"I meant what I said." I stated quietly, closing my eyes at her touch as her fingers found their way into my hair. "I love you, Fred."  
  
Her own eyes closed, and I could feel her smile. "I love you, Angel."  
  
We stood there that way for a few moments, reveling in the quiet affirmations of love we'd given one another. I felt her heart begin to calm, and I realized she was sleepy. She had almost nodded off when I tucked a brown tendril of hair behind her ear. She smiled, nearly purring as she slowly backed towards the door. "Good luck tomorrow," she said, her head lowered. She was still too bashful to look at me. "Good night, Angel."  
  
I smiled as she exited my room, hearing those tiny footfalls echo down the hall. "Good night, Fred."  
  
I laid back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling until I could fall asleep of boredom. There was no way I could possibly be sleepy after tonight's developments. I thought about telling Fred that we could be nothing more than friends, and there was no possibility of us being together. Then I thought of my son. Fred and he got along so well, and he needed someone with as big a heart as hers to look after him when I couldn't. And he was a miracle, after all. My little miracle, to urge me onward in the fight, to remind me I wouldn't be cursed forever. A fit as perfect as this comes along once in a lifetime. Carpe diem, I thought. Seize the day. Do what you can while you're here, because you won't be here forever.  
  
Whoever made up that saying must have lived in Los Angeles.  
-----  
  
THE END (for now...)  
  
  
  
Feedback please...review if you read. 


End file.
